Pretty Real Behind the Veil
Raleigh / Durham, NC, United States
Short bio:
Drawing my art, baring my soul
Website:
biggirlpill.wordpress.com
Tags:
graphite, acrylics, painter, sketchbook, drawings, watercolor
My Projects
My bio
I've always been a creative person, maybe because I was sensitive and felt things so intensely. I have an unusual ability to sense patterns and relationships in innovative ways. Having lived almost my entire life "outside the box," I am open to new forms of expression and experiences, and always eager to learn something new from it. I've fronted bands (blues, swing, a little jazz), written and recorded my own music, and enjoy doing personal writing. Professionally, I've spent years in the corporate world, designing new legal and business models and finding new ways for companies to do business with each other. I learned a lot and had a great time!
But I never took up visual art for personal expression until this year. I began doing art as a form of journaling, art therapy, if you will. But what I discovered was that this took me out of one part of my head, and into another, and then I stumbled on how to fully integrate my thoughts, access more of my mental and creative abilities, and eliminate worry and stress. It gave me a way to manage pain without drugs, to utilize artistic forms as a kind of meditation, or mindfulness exercise, depending upon the situation. It has enabled me to really see the world around me, and myself in it, as I never have before.
There's something that happens in the mind when you open up this kind of flow. By putting your critical/judgmental/analytical verbal functions in the back seat and let the flow drive the bus, suddenly your mental and bodily functions take a huge leap forward, and they begin to work more cohesively by resetting the balances that are damaged and lost in this chronically stressed, emotionally dysjuncted life that so many of us live with. And that's a very good thing!
It doesn't shut out the critical functions, but they do shift to auto-pilot and those parts of the thought processes happen in the background in balance with other necessary functions, but in a more relaxed state. This is a more integrated, efficient, stress-free process that gives me access to more memories, develop and retain more skills, and vastly greater modalities of thinking, without shifting too much attention to any of it. Opening myself to creative expression in this way has also considerably improved my ability to manage pain, discomfort, and to limit and control unhealthy stress in general.
I spent most of my life trying to find something that I felt was missing, call it connection within myself. I was and am reasonably intelligent, analytically adept, but I still felt that the way I used my mind left much of it inaccessible to me, and the disconnects have always been stressful. So I was searching, analyzing, pushing, struggling, in the ways that I knew how, and ever looking for new ways to attempt to connect to all of myself. Many of the ways that I attempted to get there gave me many valuable lessons, but still not close enough to get a glimpse of what I was seeking. Drawing started me on the path of getting away from the considerable limitations of my critical, controlling, chronically stressed mind, and into the flow. What I have learned and continue to discover in these processes blows me away a little more every day! Finally, I can get out of my own way and take full advantage of my own potential, while taking care of my health and enhancing my own quality of life. It has enabled me to eliminate negative self-talk, worry, and old baggage.
What this was not, and is not, is a magic pill; rather, it's a process, or actually, multiple processes. I was absolutely miserable the first time I attempted to draw a picture, as I had no experience with it that I can even remember. So I forced myself to draw--just draw anything--stream of consciousness, I guess. No plan, no agenda, and NO JUDGMENT; just make marks on paper. That's how I began, but as my hand moved the pencil on paper, images appeared! I was amazed! After sleeping on this strange experience, I discovered that there was great meaning for me in the images that arose on paper from the very first drawing, so I kept drawing, and later, the meaning would surge forward after the images were finished, and later, if I felt like it, I would write about it in my blog (link is on my profile). Hard to believe that was only a few months ago.
When I am feeling stressed or unwell, I still may start drawing in the same fashion as the very first time, with no plan in mind, no obligation to do anything more than make marks on paper, and release myself to focus on the simple movements of the pen or pencil on paper--any paper--scraps, junk mail envelopes, index cards, doesn't matter. Some of those exercises have eventually resulted in some of the most satisfying images that I have created!
Sometimes I feel like a fly on the wall of my own life through creative activity and reflection later as thoughts rise to the surface of my conscious awareness. This computer in my head works so efficiently at problem solving without interference from my controlling, conscious mind! I feel like I am sitting and observing myself and my mind work through things and fascinated by the thoughts, feelings, and insights that the process evokes, and how it cascades out from me, as I let go and flow. It feels a little like dreaming awake, not focusing on the dream so much, as letting the dream unfold, and I notice it, and insight about what I was trying to tell myself in those dreams drifts out in gentle waves afterwards. Problems get solved, assumptions get questioned and corrected, buried worries are exposed and discarded, and things fall into proper perspective, without my conscious mind driving the bus. More aha! moments that I ever thought possible, and I didn't have to fight my way through any of it!
I'm all about the process, and discovering new things to learn, new processes, new ways of experiencing life through art, and new ways of seeing, hopefully, new ways of making a contribution, and making a difference. So when I was given the topic, "How to Save the World" for the Sketchbook Project, I was thrilled! Maybe I can make a difference in this way! It's a start, anyway. And if you find something in my art, or in my story, that is meaningful or helpful for you, then I'm especially glad that I shared it with you!
My comments (11)
beautiful, emotionally touching unicorn drawing!
Well I hope you're able to get past the technical difficulties, because I look forward to seeing what you do with it!
Thanks for the kind words! I really enjoy your sketchbook work you've put up so far. Are you going to do the fiction project as well?
Hi Nancy, ! Thanks for your note! In journaling, I set as an intention, to give a non-verbal expression to whatever is going through my mind at the time, conscious or unconscious. The first drawing, in late July of this year became a sequence of drawings that also documented how the process was affecting my mental state. The first drawing, I asked myself, what am I feeling? What does that look like to me? Dark? Light? What’s the image in my mind that represents how I am feeling? I posted it in my first blog entry in August, (http://biggirlpill.wordpress.com/2009/08/29/my-first-art-journal/), and went from there. And documenting the stages allowed me to see the interaction between the expression and my mental processing, which helped me to arrive at a constructive resolution of some difficult feelings. I wasn’t expecting that! I just started drawing on copy paper at first, or it might have been a pad of dollar store paper, and later, acrylic paints. The main thing was to not impose a structure or restriction on how I journal, it just had to be authentic. Journaling is a very *in the moment* process and how it comes about as an "entry" reflects that.
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